“But I Had a Good Childhood…” Written by Emma Lawton

If I had a pound for every time someone walked into my clinic and told me they were anxious, low, or struggling with life, but couldn’t understand why, because they “had a good childhood”, I’d be a millionaire by now.

When we dig a little deeper, we often discover that what they describe as a “good childhood” is based on external markers: food on the table, clothes on their back, birthdays, Christmases, and a roof over their head. And yes, these things matter. But what we’re talking about here is emotional nourishment, not material provision.

Many people have unknowingly experienced unintentional emotional neglect. And when I bring that term into the room, it’s often met with discomfort and resistance. Why? Because it feels like disloyalty. We love our parents. We don’t want to appear ungrateful, especially if they worked hard and did their best in difficult circumstances.

But emotional neglect doesn’t require cruelty or chaos to exist. It can happen in calm, structured homes where affection was scarce, emotions were dismissed, or vulnerability was quietly discouraged. As children, if we don’t consistently receive touch, affection, validation, and a sense of emotional safety, we can grow into adults who are anxious, avoidant, disconnected, or who over-function and suppress their needs entirely.

When we begin to acknowledge this emotional gap, we open the door to understanding ourselves more compassionately. It sheds light on our struggles with money, perfectionism, relationships, career pressure, and self-worth, many of which are shaped not by trauma, but by what wasn’t there.

Accepting that our emotional needs weren’t always met doesn’t make us ungrateful. It makes us honest. And from that honesty, healing becomes possible, not just for ourselves, but for our children and future generations.

Practical needs are essential. But they are not a substitute for emotional connection. When we begin to meet our emotional needs in the present, we break cycles, deepen relationships, and raise emotionally healthy humans. And that, in my view, is the very best we can do.